Going to the Dark Side
by eldritchMortician
Summary: Nephrite is kidnapped from a Jerry Springer show featuring Kunsite and Zoicite, and finds himself sucked into bizzarre events with the Senshi AND the Dark Kingdom. Mostly humor, some serious bits.


**Chapter 1: A bit too much Jerry Springer**

_click_ "Buy now, pay later..."

_click_ "Luke...I am your..."

_click_ "...I have sinned..."

_click_ "We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control..."

Usagi remained on MTV, singing happily along. Luna, on the footstool, looked up and sighed. "Do you even know what that song is actually about, Usagi?"

Usagi stuffed a mochi in her mouth. "Dunno, guess the Pink Floyd guys hated school too."

It was, of course, hopeless. Usagi's mind stat in the official RPG was only 3 (4 being human average), so Luna only sighed and began grooming herself.

"Aren't (_slurp_) the other senshi coming over for a study session?"

"Yup."

"(_lick, lick_) Shouldn't you have your books?"

"'How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?'...uh, I guess."

As the fanfic needed to get started, the doorbell rang at that very moment. Usagi ran to answer it, finding, conveniently, that the other four senshi had arrived at the same time.

"Hello, Usagi, are you ready to study exhaustively through the night?" Greeted Ami.

"I made some treats!" Grinned Makoto.

"I did my hair differently, did you notice? I tied it with a blue-toned red ribbon instead of my usual yellow-toned red ribbon!" Said Minako, in one of her few lines.

"You have mochi on your face." Rei pointed out.

Usagi, in a rare flash of thought, considered telling them she had chicken pox, and to go away. Against her better (?) judgement, she let them in, and they adjourned to the living room, making themselves comfortable on the couch and easy chairs in front of the TV, which is rarely conducive to study.

"Heeey, it's time for Jerry Springer!" Makoto grabbed the remote and changed from MTV, to SMUT, the all-hentai channel.

"YAY!" Yelled everyone but Ami and Luna.

"Um...we were going to study..." Ami ventured.

Rei rolled her eyes. "God, I thought you were the smart one, Ami. This ALWAYS happens. When has our study group ever done any actual studying?"

"..." Ami replied.

"Shut up, guys! Jerry's coming on!" Exclaimed a random plainclothes senshi.

On TV, the audience chanted as Jerry Springer sprinted out with the kind of smile that says 'I make more money than you'. Luna stalked off, disgusted, to leave a nasty 'surprise' on Usagi's bed.

Jerry grinned until the audience calmed down. "Hi there! Today on Jerry Springer--'I married a MAN!'"

"Ooooooooooooh!" Moaned the audience, obeying the Teleprompter.

He continued. "I want you to meet Ken, our first guest!"

From somewhere backstage, stepped a tall man with pale...silver? blue? green?...hair, dressed in a snappy charcoal gray suit with a blue tie. The scouts, as a unit, gasped.

"That man!" Choked Minako

"He...he..." Rei trailed off.

"HE'S GORGEOUS!" They all yelled.

"He looks just like Tuxedo Mask!" Usagi drooled.

"He looks just like my old boyfriend!" Makoto panted.

Sadly, even Ami, with her mind stat of 10, was unable to recognize enemies if they wore clothing even slightly different from the usual.

"So, Ken," Jerry tried to sound sympathetic. "Tell us what happened."

"Well..." Said Kunzite (for, indeed, it was Kunzite, the evil Dark Kingdom general, somehow resurrected conveniently for this fic) "...I dated...er...Zoe...and I fell in love. And, well, I proposed, and we got married, and...the wedding night...I took off her dress and...she had a #$& (bleeped out)."

"oooooooh!" Breathed the audience.

"Oh, my...well, let's bring out Zoe to tell her, er, HIS (laughter from the audience) side of the story."

A young, pretty, rather androgynous man stepped out of the wings. He had big, green eyes, and long, coppery-gold hair tied in a ponytail. He somewhat nervously took his seat.

"Um, pumpkin...how did you NOT know I was a guy?"

Kunzite stared at him. "LOOK at yourself! You're prettier than most GIRLS, jeez!"

Zoicite preened. "Thank you..."

Jerry walked over to an audience member who was waving his hand, desperately, looking as though he reeeeeeealy needed to be excused to go to the bathroom. The guy grabbed the microphone. "Hey, man...how did you miss that? I mean, didn't you find it before the wedding!"

Kunzite reddened. "I am NOT that type of man! I respected her...er...him..."

Zoicite giggled. "Isn't he sweet?"

Jerry walked smugly back to the stage. "Well, we haven't had a fight yet this show, so we're going to bring out two of your 'friends', Ken. Could you tell me why they're here?"

Kunzite put his face in his hands. "...they knew...everyone knew..."

"OOOOOOOOOHHHH!" The audience moaned, angrily, a second or so off due to technical difficulties with the Teleprompter.

"Okay, let's welcome Jed and Maxfield."

Two other men came up on the stage. The first was a man with short blonde hair, wearing jeans and a tee shirt that said 'I hear voices...and they don't like you." He was playing with a purple crystal ball thingie which floated between his hands. He sat down, cackling occasionally.

The next man...was a GOD. Not in the literal sense, of course (otherwise he would have gladly wiped his 'friends' off the planet), but physically, he was so desirable that several audience members instantly suffered heart attacks and had to be carried out by the bouncers. He was tall, with ice blue eyes, and long waves of red-brown hair. He wore white pants, a yellow shirt, and blue jacket...not the best colour scheme, and he would have been better served wearing dark blue and black, but even so, he was undeniably incredibly sexy. He sat in his chair, looking quite mortified.

"...He looks like my old boyfriend..." Makoto murmured.

"Yeah, so what else is new?" Snapped Rei, annoyed at the interruption.

Makoto stared hard at the screen. "In fact...JUST like my old boyfriend..."

"That's that guy Naru had a crush on, right?" Frowned Usagi, having conveniently forgotten (as had the rest of the senshi) the ENTIRE affair with the youma, the kidnaping, Zoicite, the fact that Nephrite bled green, etc.

Makoto suddenly stood, eyes roiling. "In fact...that IS my old boyfriend!"

She dashed out in a swirl of Sailor Senshi power.

* * *

"How could you not say something!" Kunzite was howling. 

Jadeite cackled, psychotically, stroking his orb (NOT that one, you pervert!)

Nephrite raised an eyebrow. "How could you MISS it?"

"He already said, it's 'cause I'm so pretty!"

"Oh, for Metallia's sake! He's flatchested!"

"I...just thought she was skinny! I wasn't looking at that! That's not what matters to me!"

Nephrite sighed, as Zoicite picked up the conversation and he and Kunzite began bickering again.

...someone was watching him.

He scanned the crowd, casually. There were a lot of people looking at him with varying degrees of lust, but there was an intensity somewhere...ah!

Two girls sat in the crowd, paying utterly no attention to the subject at hand. The shorter one had kittenish green eyes, dark purple hair, and was dressed in an odd assortment of velvets and ruffles. And the second, with navy blue hair and glasses, smirking wickedly. They were staring at him. Green-eyes had a glint of pure evil in her kitty eyes. The blue-haired girl had that quiet air that usually went with people who were closet kinks.

He let his eyes wander, not lingering too long, not letting them know he saw them. His mind raced. Had he possessed them? He didn't think so. How did they know he would be here? And, while he was on the subject, why WAS he here? All of them (except Jadeite) had been killed. Zoicite KILLED him, for Metallia's sake! And, dammit, Kunzite knew perfectly well Zoicite was a boy! He sighed, and decided he would stay in the fanfic anyway. It was something to do.

"Look, HOW was I to know you were a boy! You act girly, you dress androgynous, and...and...the SAKURA BLOSSOMS, Zoici--Zoe! You're more feminine than most women!"

"Yes, dear, but..."

Nephrite had had enough. He grabbed Zoicite, roughly, and yanked his shirt open to show Kunzite his chest. "Look, 'Ken', you know as well as I do that girls have a BIT more than this!" Zoicite squealed.

Kunzite's gray-blue eyes grew cold and hard. "Get your hands off him!"

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!" Breathed the audience, no teleprompter required.

Jerry walked up the stage, looking thoughtful. "You know, Ken...it sounds like you still have some feelings for Zoe. Am I right?"

Kunzite and Zoicite stared at each other, across the stage. Kunzite's eyes grew soft. Zoicite stared up at him, adoringly.

"MUFFIN!" Squealed Zoicite, wriggling out of Nephrite's grasp, and bounding across the stage into Kunzite's waiting arms.

"Oh, my darling Zoicite..."

Jadeite cackled. Nephrite was beginning to think something was seriously wrong with him...

"Hey! Hey!" Yelled Jerry, angrily. "We can't have a show without a fight! Don't you make up yet!"

Zoicite looked up at Kunzite through his eyelashes. "Snuggle-bear, he wants a fight..."

"Well, dearest, we should oblige him..."

* * *

Nephrite ran a hand back through his perfect hair, ignoring the explosions and screams from the Jerry Springer studio behind him. He sighed. It was going to be yet another KunziteXZoicite fanfic. He just knew it. He walked slowly out to the parking lot for his Ferrari... 

Someone was sitting on his Ferrari. That just made his day. He sighed, continued walking, preparing to blast the person who dared put their butt on his car...

It was the green eyed kitten girl from the studio. Odd...

She smiled at him, sweetly. He wondered where the blue-haired girl was. He was about to ask when something struck him from behind, and the world went black.

"Didja find the keys yet?" Vega asked, impatiently. "He's heavy."

"...yeah..."

"Kel, if you've found the keys, quit digging around in his pocket, please...Jeez, do you have to cop a feel NOW? You are such a perv." Vega blew a stray navy strand out of her eyes.

"Look who's talking." Kel whined, but complied, and together they carried Nephrite's limp form back to the car.

"How come I've got to drive? How come you get to hold him first?" Kel pouted, pushing waves of purple hair out of her eyes.

"Because you need practice with the stick shift." Vega replied, smirking and not meeting her eyes.

"Well, I only did once, and almost wrecked into a building."

"...Come on, Kel. We've gotta get out of here. We've gotta get back to Nephrite's place before he wakes up."

"But then... aren't you the one who DID wreck into a building?" Kel ventured.

Vega glared at her. "That wasn't my fault."

"Yeah, buildings just jump out in the road, can't avoid them..." Kel teased, and then "Owwww!" As Vega smacked her in the back of the head.

"The police will be here any minute."

Kel sighed. "All right, all right."

They climbed into the car, Vega in the back, cradling Nephrite's head in her lap (and, it should be noted, smiling smugly), Kel in the driver's seat. After a few false starts, the car roared to life, and she began fighting with the clutch and gearshift. Vega didn't mind the bucking, really, but she wished they were moving a bit faster. Particularly after she happened to look up, and saw Sailor Jupiter preparing a nasty thunder attack outside.

"KEL!"

"Damn stick-shift...What?"

"Drive . . .DRIVE . . . _**DRIVE**_!" Vega yelled, because she didn't want to die.

Fortunately, at that very moment Kel got the car in gear, the engine roared, and they practically flew out of the parking lot, inches ahead of a lightning bolt.

In the Jerry Springer parking lot, Sailor Jupiter cracked her knuckles, glaring after the red Ferrari that just peeled out of sight, containing her old boyfriend (what WAS his name?), and two–TWO girls.

"We'll meet again." She breathed. "And you'll pay...oh, yes...you will pay..."

* * *

His head hurt. 

Nephrite opened his eyes, slowly. He was in his mansion...yes, definitely. The paintings he'd chosen hung on the walls of his bedroom, the sheets smelled of his cologne. He just didn't remember driving back.

Where had he been?

He sat up, tried hard to remember the last 24 hours.

Nothing.

Coffee, he needed coffee...or, on second thought, perhaps he'd break out the 'lemonade' . . . unless that was the reason he couldn't remember what had happened . . .

As he made his way down the hallway toward the kitchen, he heard voices. Worried that whatever was wrong with Jadeite lately might be rubbing off, he quickened his pace.

"Maybe we should check on him again..." Said Kel.

"Should he be sleeping this long?" Vega asked, worriedly.

"Um, I don't know...Obviously he has a concussion. Did you have to..."

Vega sighed, annoyed. "You're the one who forgot the chloroform."

"I thought you had it."

"Don't try to pin this on me! Did I not say, as we were leaving, 'Kel, did you remember...'"

Kel looked up, suddenly. "Hi, Nephrite! Sleep well?" She was wearing the pseudo-innocent expression she got only when she was quite guilty.

There were two girls in the kitchen. He was certain he'd seen them before. But where...? He blinked.

"Who...are you?" They'd made coffee. That was good. He decided to let them live. For now.

"Kel!" The kitty girl volunteered.

"Vega." The blue haired closet kink (he was SURE) said.

"I made coffee!" Said Kel, pouring a big mug. "It's kinda strong."

"Yeah, it'll not only crawl out the cup, it'll crawl out the cup and kick your ass." Vega gingerly took a sip of hers.

Puzzled, he sat down, and accepted the mug from Kel. They were staring at him.

Intensely.

Nephrite started to wonder if he should be scared. "Um..."

"Oh, you're probably wondering why we're here, right?" Kel said, far too innocently.

"Well, yes..."

"It's a valid question. Tell him, Kel." Vega smiled sweetly at the other girl.

Kel looked startled for a split second, then plastered on a smile. "Well, we were leaving the Jerry Springer studio, you know how it was all blowing up and stuff..."

"Yeah! And we saw you walking out, minding your own business..." Vega put in.

"When suddenly, this chunk of..." Kel hesitated.

"Wood or metal or something..." Vega paused "...It was burning!"

"Yeah!" Kel nodded. "Anyhow, it just...fell out of the sky..."

Vega waved her arms. "Hit you in the head..."

"And, boom, knocked you out!" Kel pounded the table for emphasis.

"I...see." Nephrite's memory was patchy at best, but he felt that the story they were telling was rather dubious.

"So," Continued Vega, pushing up her glasses, "We carried you to your car, and we drove you home."

"You...got my keys out of my pocket?" He wondered why Kel suddenly flushed pink.

"Er...yes...and..." She stammered.

"Your address was on your driver's license, so we drove you home to recover." Explained Vega, quickly.

"Oh." He leaned back, thoughtfully. "That's interesting."

The girls looked sidelong at each other, nervously. "W-why?" Vega was the first to recover.

"I don't carry a driver's license." Large sweatdrops appeared on the girls as he smiled, smugly.

Kel coughed.

Vega gulped, glanced, furtively, for a convenient place to bolt.

"Want to try again?" He sipped the coffee (espresso, to tell the truth), and smiled, charmingly. They were amusing, he had to give them that. Maybe he'd keep them.

The pair glanced at each other, and nodded in unison.

Kel leaned forward. "We want to come to the Dark Side."


End file.
